Setting healthy boundaries…

Have you ever wondered why people choose to please others in the heat of the moment? This often happens because they didn’t intentionally set personal boundaries in the heydays of life, when all was calm and under control. Don’t be among the 60% of people who struggle to set and maintain personal boundaries, according to the American Psychological Association; become part of the 40% who do. Setting boundaries can sometimes be misunderstood as being unable to accommodate others or just outright selfishness. But that is not necessarily correct. It just means that we are aware that we must love ourselves enough first to be able to love others. It means we are mentally, physically, and emotionally prepared to share healthy interactions in our private and external relationships. For instance, setting a boundary in friendships could mean not tolerating disrespectful behavior. In a work setting, it could mean not working overtime without proper compensation. And in interactions with others, it could mean not engaging in conversations that make you uncomfortable. 

You have heard the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Let me add that a person without healthy personal boundaries will not respect other people’s boundaries. They will encroach on and disrespect other people’s boundaries and make excuses about it. This can breed chaos, resentment, anger, and even the loss of valuable relationships. By setting personal boundaries, we protect ourselves and foster a culture of respect and understanding in our relationships, making us feel more valued and respected. People who do not have personal boundaries may not understand the need to respect others, not because they are uncivilized, but maybe because they have not had any need to practice it. They may need to respond to all requests from others and even feel guilty when they cannot “help,” even when it is not convenient. 

What are personal boundaries?

Setting personal boundaries involves drawing an invisible line you would not allow others to cross. You don’t have to say it; you need to live it. This quote from Cheryl Richardson, a lifestyle expert and coach, is relevant: “If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.” This helps summarize what we need to understand by setting personal boundaries. These words may sound selfish, but in the real sense, setting personal boundaries is very hard. It is hard to look inward and make certain decisions from the norm. However, life as an adult always comes with many adjustments from the status quo. Setting boundaries will ensure you can control what you will tolerate in your space, what you allow in your thoughts, and what you will accept as “your norm.” While setting boundaries can be challenging, it can also lead to healthier relationships, increased self-respect, and greater control over your life.

What boundaries are not

Allowing or disallowing some things is an essential and highly valued life skill. However, it should not be used as a weapon against others. The beauty of boundaries is that they are ever-evolving and, therefore, imperfect. They are not cast in stone and are forever engraved and unchangeable. Instead, boundaries can be used as a compass that guides and guards our interactions with ourselves and others. This adaptability of boundaries allows us to be more flexible and open-minded in our relationships, fostering a culture of understanding and growth.

Where Boundaries Can Be Set

We can set boundaries in all facets of our lives. We can set boundaries amongst ourselves and others. Setting boundaries within oneself includes what we restrain ourselves from doing, including who we hang out with, what we eat and drink, and even the words we speak. Setting these boundaries will depend on our personal goals and what we want to see in our lives. Setting boundaries includes clearly stating how you expect to be treated and what you consider unacceptable lines to go beyond. Setting clear boundaries will ensure that your space is guided, your mental health is protected, and you stay anxiety-free. Live a less jumpy and uncontrolled life by deciding what you want when you have the control and clear headspace to do so.